The truth.

It’s been a few weeks..
It’s been a rough few weeks. Not because of Ryker, but because I’ve just been having a rough time.
Ive felt weird lately.. I’ve felt off.. but I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant.
After talking with one of Ryker’s nurses, I’ve come to realize that I’m in fact depressed.
Ive been “depressed” before, but it was short lived. Mainly for certain situations. More or so just really sad for a few days or hours. It never stayed around. I thought i was doing okay. I was going to the gym almost every day, was losing weight and helping myself feel better, or so i thought. I wasn’t sure what i was trying to accomplish. I didn’t know there was even anything wrong. But i guess i was hiding the truth, that i now have full blown depression. I guess I’ve always had it a little since having Ryker. That’s a given with everything gone on with him, but it wasn’t bad. I mostly had anxiety that was bothering me. I got that fixed for the most part. As he’s getting older, and the hospital stays drop to less and less each year, my anxiety has decreased tremendously. I haven’t really had to take my medication but a few times in the last year or so. So i thought i was doing okay. But i guess now that I’ve got my anxiety under control, and with everything that happened with Easton, i guess it allowed it to come out worse.
I used to love going out on the weekends with Tabitha and the girls. I always wanted to get out of the house since I’m always stuck in it during the week while Tyler is at work and i got Ryker. But it all changed about 1.5 months ago. I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t want to leave the house much anymore. I thought maybe i was just tired and wanted some downtime. But its continued for many, many weeks, and that’s not like me at all. I pretty much have to force myself to leave the house if I don’t necessarily have to. I just never want to leave the house anymore.
I cry over so much more these days. Sometimes its over nothing. Sometimes its over the smallest things.
I’m so unmotivated. I was loving going to the gym, or at least i thought i was. I guess i was lying to myself. I began to dread going so I’ve stopped going for the last 3 weeks. Ive lost motivation and the energy to go.
Ive started eating junk food again and gaining the weight that i had lost back. Which makes me feel disgusting itself.
I just don’t feel me anymore. I guess I didn’t notice i had changed until recently.
I feel like my life as a mom has been taken from me. Yes, i am a mom, but i pictured all of the “normal” things you picture when you become pregnant. All of the hospital stays, and the trach, vet, oxygen, g tube, etc, is not what i pictured at all. I’m stuck in the house all the time with Ryker because its just so hard and exhausting to pack him up to go do much of anything.
Then comes my angel baby, Easton. I so badly wanted to have a second child. Again, i pictured all of the normal things with that pregnancy. Got my hopes up again even though we knew the risks. And just 18 weeks later, it was taken from me again, but this time I didn’t get to go home with a baby. Or i did, but in ashes form, not baby form. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him.
And now were trying to have our third baby, via IVF, because its become very hard for me to have a healthy baby on my own. And that’s stressful, because i feel like I’ve failed. The one thing i want so bad, a healthy baby, is so very hard and I’m losing hope it’ll ever happen. I know it’ll happen, because its costing a ton of money. But i wanted to do it on my own, without help. And its just not happening as fast as i want it to. I haven’t even got my eggs retrieved. And my hope was to get pregnant early spring, but if Tyler ends up having to deploy next summer, then ill have to hold off another year to get pregnant. And that’s taking a toll on me. Everything is taking a toll on me, finally. It’s becoming hard to function daily. But i have to , because Ryker needs me. He relies on me to keep him alive every day, and i cant give up on him. He’s my everything. But i want more.
I just feel broken.
My heart hurts. And i feel like a million pounds is weighing on my chest every day, and I don’t know how much longer i can carry all of this extra weight and stress.
I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of crying in the bathroom so nobody sees me.
Some days are easier than others, but it seems like no day is easy to get through. I count down the hours, the minutes until the nurse gets here so i can just have a minute to myself.
I know i need to talk to somebody. It’s hard to talk to anyone about this. I try to talk to Tyler, and he tries to act like he understands, but i know he’s just frustrated and doesn’t fully understand that this isn’t something i can just turn off, i cant just be happy at any given time. Actually, i kinda can. Ive become a pro at the fake smile and to carry on conversations like its nothing.
I just want to breathe again. I want to live again.
I feel so selfish, because i should be grateful for everything i have. But i am grateful. I’m grateful for everything Tyler does for me and Ryker. Is it so bad to want a little more?