The Crazy Life of a Special Needs Mom & Military Wife

It’s been a few weeks..
It’s been a rough few weeks. Not because of Ryker, but because I’ve just been having a rough time.
Ive felt weird lately.. I’ve felt off.. but I wasn’t sure exactly what it meant.
After talking with one of Ryker’s nurses, I’ve come to realize that I’m in fact depressed.
Ive been “depressed” before, but it was short lived. Mainly for certain situations. More or so just really sad for a few days or hours. It never stayed around. I thought i was doing okay. I was going to the gym almost every day, was losing weight and helping myself feel better, or so i thought. I wasn’t sure what i was trying to accomplish. I didn’t know there was even anything wrong. But i guess i was hiding the truth, that i now have full blown depression. I guess I’ve always had it a little since having Ryker. That’s a given with everything gone on with him, but it wasn’t bad. I mostly had anxiety that was bothering me. I got that fixed for the most part. As he’s getting older, and the hospital stays drop to less and less each year, my anxiety has decreased tremendously. I haven’t really had to take my medication but a few times in the last year or so. So i thought i was doing okay. But i guess now that I’ve got my anxiety under control, and with everything that happened with Easton, i guess it allowed it to come out worse.
I used to love going out on the weekends with Tabitha and the girls. I always wanted to get out of the house since I’m always stuck in it during the week while Tyler is at work and i got Ryker. But it all changed about 1.5 months ago. I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t want to leave the house much anymore. I thought maybe i was just tired and wanted some downtime. But its continued for many, many weeks, and that’s not like me at all. I pretty much have to force myself to leave the house if I don’t necessarily have to. I just never want to leave the house anymore.
I cry over so much more these days. Sometimes its over nothing. Sometimes its over the smallest things.
I’m so unmotivated. I was loving going to the gym, or at least i thought i was. I guess i was lying to myself. I began to dread going so I’ve stopped going for the last 3 weeks. Ive lost motivation and the energy to go.
Ive started eating junk food again and gaining the weight that i had lost back. Which makes me feel disgusting itself.
I just don’t feel me anymore. I guess I didn’t notice i had changed until recently.
I feel like my life as a mom has been taken from me. Yes, i am a mom, but i pictured all of the “normal” things you picture when you become pregnant. All of the hospital stays, and the trach, vet, oxygen, g tube, etc, is not what i pictured at all. I’m stuck in the house all the time with Ryker because its just so hard and exhausting to pack him up to go do much of anything.
Then comes my angel baby, Easton. I so badly wanted to have a second child. Again, i pictured all of the normal things with that pregnancy. Got my hopes up again even though we knew the risks. And just 18 weeks later, it was taken from me again, but this time I didn’t get to go home with a baby. Or i did, but in ashes form, not baby form. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him.
And now were trying to have our third baby, via IVF, because its become very hard for me to have a healthy baby on my own. And that’s stressful, because i feel like I’ve failed. The one thing i want so bad, a healthy baby, is so very hard and I’m losing hope it’ll ever happen. I know it’ll happen, because its costing a ton of money. But i wanted to do it on my own, without help. And its just not happening as fast as i want it to. I haven’t even got my eggs retrieved. And my hope was to get pregnant early spring, but if Tyler ends up having to deploy next summer, then ill have to hold off another year to get pregnant. And that’s taking a toll on me. Everything is taking a toll on me, finally. It’s becoming hard to function daily. But i have to , because Ryker needs me. He relies on me to keep him alive every day, and i cant give up on him. He’s my everything. But i want more.
I just feel broken.
My heart hurts. And i feel like a million pounds is weighing on my chest every day, and I don’t know how much longer i can carry all of this extra weight and stress.
I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of crying in the bathroom so nobody sees me.
Some days are easier than others, but it seems like no day is easy to get through. I count down the hours, the minutes until the nurse gets here so i can just have a minute to myself.
I know i need to talk to somebody. It’s hard to talk to anyone about this. I try to talk to Tyler, and he tries to act like he understands, but i know he’s just frustrated and doesn’t fully understand that this isn’t something i can just turn off, i cant just be happy at any given time. Actually, i kinda can. Ive become a pro at the fake smile and to carry on conversations like its nothing.
I just want to breathe again. I want to live again.
I feel so selfish, because i should be grateful for everything i have. But i am grateful. I’m grateful for everything Tyler does for me and Ryker. Is it so bad to want a little more?

October 16, 2019

They decided to continue with the surgery even though Ryker was/is sick with a cold. Luckily he stopped showing any symptoms by Friday night and only ever ran a low grade fever twice.

Well, we’ve been here since 5:30 this morning, (been up since 3:45am) and it’s currently 10:36am and they just started an hour ago. This surgery will take roughly 3-4 hours, so we still have about 3 hours to go, and that’s not including the hour or so we have to wait to go see him in recovery once he gets situated. I’ve gotten an update recently that everything is going great and Ryker is doing great. But of course, my mind is going to worse case scenario. The neurosurgeon told us the risks of a stroke and brain bleed due to them messing with the main artery/vessel in the back of his head below his skull, since they’re dealing with the back of his head this go around. We didn’t have this risk last year with the first cranial surgery. But we were dealing the front of the head then, so maybe that wasn’t a big thing.

I know Ryker will be fine and everything will go smoothly, as have the other 10 surgeries he’s had so far in the last 4 years of his life, but I’m terrified of losing him. He’s my whole life. My anxiety is absolutely terrible today and I’ve cried a few times so far, which is to be expected.

It’s a very rough and emotional week this week. Not just with the surgery, but also because its my due date week with Easton. I was supposed to be induced this week, which was probably supposed to be this past Monday or Tuesday, but my due date isn’t until this Saturday, the 19th. So I’m just a big ball of nerves that are ready to burst at any time. I miss my baby boy Easton, but he just wasn’t mean to stay here with us. This week is just a crappy week and I don’t really see it getting much better than this, but lets hope it doesn’t get any worse than this.

I just feel broken.

I feel empty.

I feel lost.

I feel like i failed Easton, even though it wasn’t technically my fault (even though it kinda is since i carry the gene that gave him his genetic condition), but there was nothing i can do to prevent it at that time. We knew the risks and risked it and got the worse case scenario with him. So hopefully that doesn’t happen with Ryker today.

I’m just praying i get through this day and everything goes up from here.

Let’s just hope.

October 12, 2019

When being sick and a mother doesn’t always work out..

Or even better..

When your child is sick when you are sick..

Plus, having a special needs trached and g tube child that requires more attention and care than your typical child.

Yeah, it’s hard. But i push through and get what needs to be done, besides the huge load of laundry that’s in the dryer that needs to be folded and put away, and the dishes in the dishwasher that need put away and the dirty dishes in the sink that needs to be put in the dishwasher, and the floors that need to be vacuumed, and the lists goes on. But my child is alive, and I’m alive, barely, but I’m alive.

It’s just another day to get through. And ill get through it, but i still have 3 hours until the nurse gets here and then its nap time for this sick momma.

Just by typing what i have so far, I’ve had to stop and go suction my child 4 times. It’s exhausting. All i want to do is take another long hot shower, or better yet, a long hot bath, and go to bed early tonight. But my duties as a mom haven’t stopped just because I don’t feel good.

Now Kassie is trying to get me to go eat some rice and onion soup once tyler gets home in an hour or so. But i feel like death, butttt onion soup sounds so amazing and it would to my sore throat too.

Luckily I’m not “sick sick”. Just stupid weather changes in good ole Arkansas and my body went into shock. Still doesn’t make the situation better.

Plus, on top of all of this, Ryker was supposed to have his second cranial surgery next week, but because the viral panel came back as rhino (common cold), they’ll probably postpone and reschedule it for later on. Well, if that’s the case, then we’ll be holding off until spring because i cant guarantee this child wont get a freaking common cold all throughout the cold and flu season. He gets so many. But thankfully he doesn’t have to be hospitalized anymore (so far for the last 1.5 years) for them. We honestly didn’t even think it was a cold because the symptoms aren’t anywhere like they usually are. But of course, Ryker likes to through curve balls and change things up.

That’s about it for this lovely Saturday that I’ve got going on so far.

By the way, we’re up to 6 suctionings so far this whole time. (Insert eye rolling emoji)

I want to grow and write about my journey. My journey technically began over 5 years ago, but it’s still going strong.