Surgery #11

October 16, 2019

They decided to continue with the surgery even though Ryker was/is sick with a cold. Luckily he stopped showing any symptoms by Friday night and only ever ran a low grade fever twice.

Well, we’ve been here since 5:30 this morning, (been up since 3:45am) and it’s currently 10:36am and they just started an hour ago. This surgery will take roughly 3-4 hours, so we still have about 3 hours to go, and that’s not including the hour or so we have to wait to go see him in recovery once he gets situated. I’ve gotten an update recently that everything is going great and Ryker is doing great. But of course, my mind is going to worse case scenario. The neurosurgeon told us the risks of a stroke and brain bleed due to them messing with the main artery/vessel in the back of his head below his skull, since they’re dealing with the back of his head this go around. We didn’t have this risk last year with the first cranial surgery. But we were dealing the front of the head then, so maybe that wasn’t a big thing.

I know Ryker will be fine and everything will go smoothly, as have the other 10 surgeries he’s had so far in the last 4 years of his life, but I’m terrified of losing him. He’s my whole life. My anxiety is absolutely terrible today and I’ve cried a few times so far, which is to be expected.

It’s a very rough and emotional week this week. Not just with the surgery, but also because its my due date week with Easton. I was supposed to be induced this week, which was probably supposed to be this past Monday or Tuesday, but my due date isn’t until this Saturday, the 19th. So I’m just a big ball of nerves that are ready to burst at any time. I miss my baby boy Easton, but he just wasn’t mean to stay here with us. This week is just a crappy week and I don’t really see it getting much better than this, but lets hope it doesn’t get any worse than this.

I just feel broken.

I feel empty.

I feel lost.

I feel like i failed Easton, even though it wasn’t technically my fault (even though it kinda is since i carry the gene that gave him his genetic condition), but there was nothing i can do to prevent it at that time. We knew the risks and risked it and got the worse case scenario with him. So hopefully that doesn’t happen with Ryker today.

I’m just praying i get through this day and everything goes up from here.

Let’s just hope.